Things Don't Always Go To Plan

It's very difficult to discuss the unraveling of a marriage. The undoing. 

The end of a triumph? On my best days, yes, that's what I tell myself.

Someone tolerated me for almost 15 years. I have two children, whom I have always dreamed of. I have memories that I've replayed recently, which make me wonder, "Were we on course for an ending from the beginning?"

It is difficult to discuss the end of a marriage with those who are married. You don't want to poke holes in theirs accidentally. You don't want to become someone people mutter about at school functions. "She's separated from her husband, which is why he's not here. It's sad for the kids."

There is a passage that Maggie Smith wrote about in her memoir that I've read over and over again, underlined it, circled it, dog-eared the page, and want to share it with you.

"The Buddhist teacher...Trungpa writes about torma and don. 'Possession' is the closest translation for the Tibetan word don—a ghost that causes misfortune, anger, fear, sickness. When you have a don, you are the possession. The anger possesses—owns—you. Torma means “offering cake.” You offer the torma to your don. You feed the ghost that does you harm, “that which possesses you.” Giving it a little something sweet is a way of saying, Thank you for the pain you caused me, because that pain woke me up. It hurt enough to make me change."

Thank you for this ending. I'm excited for the beginning again.